Self-Esteem Counselling - Christchurch
What is self-esteem?
When you hold someone in esteem, it means that you think highly of them, you value them as a person, appreciate their qualities, respect and admire them. In the same token, self-esteem is how much you hold yourself in esteem – how much respect, confidence and value you place on yourself.
Sometimes, it feels easier to appreciate others, than it is to appreciate ourselves - like looking at someone’s flawless highlight reel thinking about how wonderful or accomplished they must be, while studying your own catalogue of chin selfies thinking: “Is this really what I have to offer the world?!”.
Understanding self-esteem is the first step toward building a healthier sense of self-worth, and seeking out self-esteem counselling can provide the tools and support to help you on that journey
Negative self-esteem
Given that self-esteem is so important to how we function in the world, why is it so hard to hold ourselves in the same regard in which we hold others?
Negative Bias: Humans are wired to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones as a survival mechanism. This can lead to overemphasising our own failures and criticisms while downplaying achievements or compliments.
Criticism and Conditional Acceptance: Growing up in environments where love or approval felt conditional (e.g., tied to performance or behaviour) can make self-worth fragile and dependent on external validation, or reassurance.
Unrealistic Expectations: If caregivers, teachers, or peers set excessively high standards, failure to meet them can create a sense of inadequacy.
Early Trauma or Neglect: Negative experiences in childhood, like abuse or neglect, can distort how we perceive our worth and make it harder to develop a strong foundation for self-esteem.
Comparison Culture: Social media and societal norms often glorify perfection, making it easy to feel "not good enough" when comparing ourselves to others' curated highlights.
Perfectionism: The belief that self-worth is contingent on being flawless can make it hard to appreciate oneself.
Self-esteem requires consistent effort to overcome conditioning, and it may not come naturally. These foundational experiences highlight why therapy, particularly approaches focusing on attachment and relationships, can be so impactful for rebuilding self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem can be cultivated with time, effort, and the right therapy.
How is self-esteem formed?
Self-esteem is formed through experiences of being accepted by others, being taught that our feelings are valid and learning healthy ways to express ourselves, receiving clear and fair boundaries from others, and receiving praise and admiration for our effort and achievements.
In general, positive experiences with, and from others, help create a solid foundation that supports a balanced and resilient sense of self-worth. Over time, this foundation allows us to internalise a sense of confidence and self-acceptance, making it easier to handle challenges, setbacks, and criticism. When we feel accepted and validated, we are more likely to trust our own abilities, set healthy boundaries, and pursue our goals, knowing that our worth is not contingent on external factors.
What is healthy self-esteem?
Holding yourself in high regard doesn't mean being perfect. Healthy self-esteem is a balanced and realistic sense of self-worth. It means valuing and respecting yourself, acknowledging your strengths and imperfections, and feeling confident in your abilities. Imperfections are a natural part of being human, and being able to accept them is a sign of wellbeing.
We all have different qualities, skills and attributes, so it can help when we value the things that come naturally to us. By recognising and valuing your unique strengths, you can take actionable steps toward building a more balanced and resilient sense of self-worth. In many cases, others may value certain things about us, that we don’t care much about. For example, someone might admire your ability to stay calm under pressure, your sense of humour, or your kindness, even if you don’t think much of these traits yourself. Recognising how others see you can be a powerful reminder that your worth extends beyond your own perspective. It’s easy to dismiss our natural abilities because they come effortlessly to us, but what seems ordinary to us might be extraordinary to someone else.
How can I build a healthy self-esteem?
Healthy self-esteem requires ongoing effort, self-awareness, and self-compassion. This journey can feel challenging, especially if old patterns of self-criticism are deeply ingrained. Though, the benefits are worth it!
When you respect yourself, it allows you to set boundaries that serve you and others; you believe you’re worthy of success, so you set and achieve goals; and you prioritise your wellbeing, so you create healthy habits and routines that ensure you are physically well to support a system that can be mentally well too.
Self-esteem is not a linear journey. There will be days where it feels easier to believe in yourself, and other days where doubt creeps in. Remember, this is a natural part of personal growth, and every step – no matter how small – contributes to building a stronger sense of self-worth over time.
Self-esteem therapy - Christchurch, NZ
Therapy offers a supportive and non-judgmental space for individuals to explore the roots of their self-esteem struggles and develop healthier ways of relating to themselves and others. One key aspect of our approach at Positive Psychology and Psychotherapy is exploring how early relationships and attachment patterns have influenced self-esteem. Relational psychotherapy, in particular, emphasises the importance of relationships – both past and present – in shaping one’s sense of self-worth. For example, we may help you to identify messages that you have internalised from caregivers or significant others that impact your current self-perception. By recognising these patterns, you can start to challenge self-critical thoughts and replace them with more compassionate, affirming perspectives. Through focused self-esteem therapy, you can uncover these patterns, build self-compassion, and create meaningful changes in how you view and treat yourself. Take the first step toward a healthier self-esteem – contact us today to learn more.
“The greatest thing in the world is knowing how to belong to oneself. ”